Stop Obsessing over Kurama!
by Mikageshi
Summary: Are you Kurama's wife, mistress, girlfriend, or sweetheart? Or just head over heels in love with him? Hate him with a passion? Undecided? Just started watching YYH and found some green-eyed redhead there dreamy? Either way, this is a must-read for YOU.


**Disclaimer  
**Kurama, as depicted below, is strictly based on the fictional main character with the same name from _Yu Yu Hakusho_, created by Togashi Yoshihiro and adapted to the small screen by Fuji TV in Japan and FUNimation Entertainment in the U.S. No copyright infringement is intended.  
(Translation: As desperately as I want to, I don't even own a single strand of his glorious hair. T.T)

**A/N  
**Just taking a breather from another one of my YYH fanfics, _**The Kurama whom Kurama Never Knew**__. _(If you have not read it yet, please do! I am proud to tell you that my reviewers praised it! I would love to hear from you, too! ^-^)

**Warning!  
**This fanfic is not suitable for diehard Kurama fangirl audiences. Read at your own risk.  
This is Kurama-centric, but anti-Kurama. Should you find yourself cringing at any unkind word—either directed or alluded—to the human-demon hottie, then this fic may not be your cup of tea.  
You have been warned. So please, sip carefully.

**STOP OBSESSING OVER KURAMA!**

Hi there. I hate Kurama! Don't you?

You don't?

And who am I to hate Kurama, you ask?

Actually, I don't have a name. But for the purpose of simply setting me apart from everyone else… my "name" is Kiyoku. I just spelled it that way so it would appear like a female Japanese name to you. After all, I consider myself female. And the despicable lowlife I am about to lambast _is_ Japanese…

Oh. The _real_ spelling of that? It's K-I-O-K-U. Which is Japanese for _memory_.

Yup, I am Memory. Let me get this straight: I don't _have _memories—I _am _Memory.

Get it?

Sigh. Just as Botan and Ayame are two of more than a dozen pretty little Grim Reapers floating around in their oars out there, I am one of the three Eternals of _Reikai _(the Spirit World). Eternals are Keepers of Time. And silly old me is the Keeper of Memory.

It ain't as impressive as it sounds, really. When you think about it, all I gotta do is keep all _ningen_ (human), _youkai_ (demon), and _rei_ (spirit) memories safe and sound. (Yup, yup, I remembered you may not be the best Japanese translator alive. I'll keep in mind to translate stuff for you every now and then. After all, remembering stuff's my thing.)

But damn, it's hard!

And because it's so hard, I mess up every now and then. Understandable little slips, of course. (Ahem. Why do you suppose you're so forgetful sometimes?)

My _aneki_ (older sister) is an Eternal, too. _Mirai_—Japanese for _destiny_, in case you didn't know—makes everything happen. Including the bad stuff: accidents like car crashes and whatnot. Meanwhile, I cause the amnesia that comes after accidents like that. Blah, blah, blah.

Not convinced?

I can touch your forehead sometime and voila! You'll be able to see just when and where your parents conceived you. (Oh, you're underage? Never mind.) I will make you remember swimming along that sticky placenta inside your momma's belly. You'll see how you came outta her—every muscle and vein she stretched; every drop of blood she spilled for you. I could make you remember _everything _that's happened to you the whole time you had been you! I can even show you what you used to look like and do in all of your past lives! But I'm not allowed to do that, of course. Stupid Enma Daiou and his paranoia with _ningen _intelligence. He thinks you're all too smart for your own good.

So what I can—and will—show you today is why you should stop obsessing over a little fox cub with such a pitiful disgrace of a life.

You know him. That's right. Kurama.

Yes. STOP OBSESSING OVER KURAMA!

Whaddya mean "No freaking way"?

Heck, do you even know _why_ the little fink was named _Kurama_?

His real mother, herself a fox of course, mated with another fox who soon abandoned her. That's another story, though. She eventually had a breed of five cubs. Or six. I forgot. (Hey, I'm not perfect, you know. And don't judge me—I know for a fact that your memory fails you, too.) Anywho, your darling was the third cub in that litter. Among the lot of 'em, two of Mama Fox's cubs had white fur. Meaning to say they have the potential to be stronger or wiser than their brethren with darker fur? Wrong! That doesn't make them special in any way. The difference in their colors just serves to lend more variety to the universe. Really! Actually, they all have the same potentiality.

(Kinda like white and "colored" _ningen_. Same diff. The difference is imagined to exist just to establish a sense of racial discrimination among you people. Whoever thinks the black crayon's more worthless than the white one is forgetting that the eight-pack won't be complete without either of 'em. Think about it.)

Where was I? Oh, yeah. He Who Is Undeserving Of Your Love.

His _aniki_ (older brother this time) had white fur, too. But that cub's fur was shaggy, unkempt, and not really worth wasting my breath for. Your beloved's fur, though, was a gleaming coat. Yeah, whatever. His impeccably brushed tail reminded Foxy Mama of a domesticated horse—the ones tamed, trained, and kept in stables and all that. And "Kurama" _does _mean "kept horse" or "storehouse horse," you know. It was his perfect widdle tail. Go figure.

Now if you've got any bright ideas of your own as to how his momma got his name, I'd love to know what they are. I'm open-minded. (Memories do change over time, you know. So naturally, I go by the same principle.)

As open-minded as I am, though… I still hate Kurama.

For one, that pretty-tailed bastard doesn't remember his kind, kind mother. Or any of his _kitsune_—I mean fox—siblings, either. Try as he may, all he would reminisce of is that he was _very _bored staying with them. Mind-numbingly, could-drive-him-to-insanity bored. So he ran off into the wild. Yeah, just like that. And his woodland family never saw him again. The prodigal son never even bothered to pay them a little visit sometime, you know.

He squandered his days with carefree abandon. Drinking off lakes, chasing after game, devouring those my _aneki_ destined for him to catch, encountering other foxes, biting their necks, fighting with them, mating with them, the occasional orgy, licking himself there, licking his wounds… you know, stuff a _kitsune_ does. Shocked to know he ain't some precious, pure virgin like you thought he was? Please. He's a _male_ _fox_! Quit cleansing him of his primal instincts! Yes, he goes in for the kill! Yes, he fucks! And yes, the slob does allow drool to dribble from his mouth when he's indulging in his gluttony and lust!

Stop romanticizing Kurama. The canine is hardly what and who you think he is. You'll know better once you get inside his mind. It's a dark, sick void in there. Cold. Lonely. Suicidal. You'd ask why he's still alive.

But I know why. Kurama's alive because he doesn't have everything he needs and wants yet.

(Now aren't we all?)

Away from his family. Living the typical fox life. Yet _still_ bored. Sure, he had mastered how to steal freshly butchered meat right off the fangs of other foxes. Then of other mammals. He began stealing other things. That glittering trinket off that one _youkai_. That treasure box of that maiden. He was a klepto, you know. His pleasure was perverse—he delighted in interesting little thingies that dispelled his boredom. Why that jewel was so breathtakingly shiny, among many, many other things. But his boredom shone brighter than any of those. He was still bored.

So bored, he thought he would be less bored if he assumed human form. Nope, he would still essentially be a fox demon. But more human. Human-looking, anyhow. Standing on two legs instead of four, so he could preoccupy himself with learning how to keep his balance with fewer land-bound limbs. Shedding his fur for that pathetic excuse for clothing, so he could preoccupy himself with learning how to protect himself in spite of having thinner, more vulnerable "armor." And gaining opposable thumbs—the better to steal things with, of course. Ha! Even his metamorphosis into the human-looking fox was all because of his kleptomania!

Somehow, he wondered to himself what sex would be like in his new form, too. (But given how you feel for him, that's not much of a turn-off for you, ain't it?)

So yeah, opposable thumbs. Sheesh. He could've just cut up his paws so they'd look and move like human hands. He didn't really have to go through all the trouble of assuming human form just to make off with stuff, the moron. That decision even affected his speed and stealth.

You might be telling me that nooo, your darling Ku-ra-ma was just as speedy and stealthy as a human-looking fox. Well, here's the thing: Remember when a hunter from _Reikai_ was hunting him and shot him, so he had to flee to _Ningenkai_—hint: _your_ world—and you know the rest?

(If you don't remember that, then you really shouldn't be here. I may be Kiyoku—Memory incarnate—but I can never make you remember something you never knew in the first place. It's all in the manual, baby.)

Back to our fox's last ever hunting season, then. Do you know _why _the hunter was able to catch up to him?

It was because he was on a looting spree in his pseudo-human form. _Of course _he was a damn slowpoke! He only transformed back into a speedy, stealthy fox when he was already running away. Too late. What good did that do? It got him shot, fatally injured, and running to his mommy. Literally!

But I digress. I've skipped several years of his life. (I really should remember to get some pointers from my distant cousin, Chronological Order.) Going back… So Kurama became a human-looking demon fox. Cool, some say. Totally hot, you say. I say totally _not_.

He stopped raiding alone. In his new form, he gathered "converts" just like him: Kuronue, who was originally some bat in a cave; Yomi, who was a young goat—hey, at least he wasn't an _old _goat!—and other animal demons who ran, or at least wanted to run, afoul of the law. (Contrary to popular belief, _Makai_—Demon World—does have laws of its own. They aren't the best ones ever, though. Hey, you can't spell _flaw _without _law_!)

So the demon beast converts stole and pilfered and robbed and all that. All of them wanted their names up in lights, and you should know: the Bandit there is kinda like the A-List Celebrity of your world. Soon enough, Kurama and the way more than forty thieves were on a meteoric rise to stardom. Pffft. Kurama was still god-damned bored!

Every time they ran off with the most mystical of magic mirrors, he wanted an even more mystical one. He wanted more and more challenges. Not just tangible treasures to hold and behold. He lusted after the _thrill _of acquiring them. Toying with the tricks of the trade. Codes to crack. Seals to break. Puzzles to solve. He needed an escape from that boring rut he called his life. But it went on for years. For centuries.

Seems to me he would've been better off alone, 'cause he was with baaad company. By joining forces with an entire band of thieves, he exposed himself to betrayal a good number of times. Yomi, for one, was a rebellious punk who went on missions without him but would always need him as backup. Kurama had no need for rebellious punks, so he wanted the goat's head on a silver platter.

Now listen to how E. VIL your Kurama really is.

Yomi had a most reckless sense of independence. (_Hn_. Must've been a teenager back then.) Knowing that, your Kurama leaked out false information about some made-up castle with bogus booty hidden within. The fool fell for it hook, line, and sinker. But Youko Kurama's accomplice was some incompetent fly (he really was, you know) who could only blind a stupid bleating goat. So much for him, then. Kurama had no use for the idiotic insect now. Buh-bye.

Kurama lied, abandoned, and betrayed. Was it for some "higher" purpose, of some "good" or "well-meaning" intention, and all that bull you believe he's always after? Not on your life! Or mine!

And as icing on the cruel cake… Not only does your Kurama discard whatever—and worse, _whoever_—he doesn't need or want; he also ain't powerful enough to defend you from bamboo shoots that may whizz your way. Look at what happened to Kuronue. Thieves Extraordinaire, a.k.a. Weaklings Extraordinaire—one met his end in a bamboo rain, and the other gasped wide-eyed and ran for his life.

But my love Kurama didn't leave poor Kuronue to die, you say. He simply couldn't do anything else but to run for his life, you say. Well, I hope my sarcasm translates in print, fangirls. Let me make this clear: I'm _not_ saying he's the cause of Kuronue's death. I'm _not_ saying he's guilty of murdering his right-hand man. But I _am_ saying he left Kuronue because he had no more need for a skewered sidekick. He throws away what he doesn't want or need anymore, remember?

I _am_ also saying he's weak as shit. So weak that, as we already know, a hunter from the Spirit World shot him, blah, blah, blah.

That really did happen, I can tell you that. I distinctly remember the hunter's name: Shunjun. At that time, he was the newest recruit of _Reikai Tokubetsu Boeitai _(yeah, yeah, I know—here you go: the Spirit World Special Defense Squad). You know, the bunch of uniformed flying folks who closed up the _Ningenkai_-to-_Makai_ tunnel? Yup. He's the tall guy with light blue hair, hooped earrings, and a smug look on his face. (Which I just love wiping off. How? Easy—I make him remember his worst nightmares!) Yeah, _he_ did in your precious little fox-boy. He was so proud of it, too. Kurama had already been Minamino Shuuichi for eighteen years and _still _Shunjun was bragging about that notch under his belt to his pals at the squad. Talk about living in the past!

Speaking of living… Minamino Shiori's baby—who _never _lived—was supposed to have been a girl.

(Shuuichi's got "fine" features, you say? Whatever. That baby was supposed to be that pretty young thing.)

I remember her like it was just yesterday. She had the prettiest blue eyes, just like Shiori. Her hair was also supposed to be a deep, dark brown. But you already know what happened there: your darling Kuuuraaamaaa took over. He dipped in the gene pool and tainted the water!

Youko Kurama's golden eyes melded with the beautiful baby's blue ones. And presto change-o, they became the "endless orbs" of jade, emerald, and every other green gemstone out there—by the way, _yuck_—that you write long, sappy purple poetry about today. You might be thinking Youko's silver hair plus Baby's supposed-to-be brown hair _doesn't _equal blood red hair. Actually, it does. Youko's hair made Baby's lighter in color. Why do you think Shuuichi's red hair is shampoo-commercial shiny? It's not the essences in his hair care products, folks. It's genetic. Or rather, a genetic aberration.

Oh, hello Hiei.

I'll talk about you, my sweet, in a moment. Before that… all you Kurama fanatics should know by now that _again_, Shuuichi's first few years as a full-fledged human—and not just a fox in pseudo-human form—were B.O. RING.

Kurama became Shuuichi. Poor Blue Eyes didn't even get to be born—Youko had merged with her even before she could have an identity, so it's really like she never even existed. (If she had a name, I would remember it somehow.) You know, Shuuichi could have at least lived for poor Blue Eyes. But _nooooo—_he was Youk-ko-Kur-ram-ma, only in human form, so he had to be just as god-damned BORED as Youko Kurama was!

He thought Shiori dim-witted for not knowing the truth. He found kiddy games ridiculous, not worth his time or mental energies. He was an asshole of a seven-year-old, let me tell you that! He never smiled at anyone. He kept to himself. I don't need any of you human beings, scoffed the jerk. He did that every darned day.

That's always the case with that son of a—but Shiori doesn't deserve the word, so I won't say it now. As long as That User neither needed nor wanted you for something, you are so uninteresting and so out of his life, damn you to hell.

Anyway… where was I? Oh, yeah. Seven years of human age. His father—I mean Shiori's first husband—kicked the bucket. Do you think Shuuichi even bothers to pay his respects to his "human father" by at least _remembering _him?

Let me, the keeper of all memories, save you some trouble with that. He has _no _fond memories of the man. Aside from the poor old unappreciated sperm donor smiling down at him when he was born, Shuuichi has no memories of the guy. At all. You've seen his flashbacks! (I should know—I let you see them!) Maybe poor Blue Eyes was supposed to be a daddy's girl, had she been given the chance to be herself and get out of Shiori's blasted womb.

Then when Shuuichi was eight… Oh, when Shuuichi was eight. He stopped being bored. FINALLY!

But he didn't stop being a masochist. He flirted with Danger more than ever before. (And believe me, that bitch loves flirting back.)

He had a stupid science project that required him to use stupid kitchen utensils and cans. Shiori stupidly kept them too high up for him to reach. And stupidly, Shuuichi reached for them anyway. The plates and fine china—eight plates and six glasses, if I'm not mistaken—stupidly came crashing down because of stupid Shuuichi, and Shiori caught him before he fell into the broken porcelain and glass shards. Shiori stupidly cut her arms and hands in the process, though. All stupid, right? So stupid, clumsy Shuuichi was _finally _put in his right place and _finally _looked up to his stupid human mom.

Well, not really. She still was oblivious to his secret identity and stuff. But the incident changed his mind about her. She wasn't some boring stupid mom anymore. She was just a stupid mom who needed his protection from the harmful elements of the world. Bleh.

You know what? Kurama's the type who needs to be needed.

He became a "soldier of love," a "fighter for justice and righteousness" and all that load of bull he claims he's into. (Sure, I go down a road you call Memory Lane all the time. I live there. But that doesn't make me romantic. I hate that crap.) Needless to say, he now had a purpose in life: to defend someone. To protect the one who needs his protection.

Again, he _needs _to be needed.

If Shiori had not fulfilled that need of his—that he be needed for something, such as her protection, safety, and survival—then he would have left her. Done away with her. Disposed of her. Just like he did everything else he didn't want or need anymore.

You know he planned to do that. He even admitted to it. More times than I'd bother to count.

But when it comes right down to it, in the end, he didn't leave her, you say. Well, I say he _did_. Many, many times, too. On those assignments with Urameshi Yusuke, Kuwabara Kazuma, and of course, Hiei.

You know what else? Kurama's the type who wants to be wanted, too.

I'm surprised that didn't cross your mind by now. Why do you think he lived the thief life? He loved being on the Wanted list. He loved getting caught red-handed. Getting chased. Getting hurt.

And even as Shuuichi, he was still the same.

Take Kitajima Maya. She had spiritual power, too. But it ain't as strong as Kurama's—it still ain't—so when they were both fourteen, she needed someone to rescue her from that gluttonous demon. What was his name again? Oh. Right. Yatsude. He was so into his fad diet, he even ate the very demon that caught Maya in the first place. Its name was Hedoki, and its game was making Shuuichi's territory—the entire City of Yukimi—its own. And Hedoki needed Yatsude to do just that, but for a hefty price: Hedoki's very life. (Now how can you rule over your new dominion when you aren't even alive? Weird.)

I gotta admit, your Kurama didn't think that Maya girl was boring. In fact, he thought she was interesting. She loved talking about aliens, ghosts, and other supernatural stuff that freaked out everyone else in their class. She still does that, you know—I just listened to her tell her new stepbrother Hagiri Kaname a scary story just last night. One night, a dark, mysterious silhouette just ghosted up to her and—Where was I? Oh. Back to the love of your life.

Again, he _wants _to be wanted.

You may think he's too humble for that. That maybe he could have been narcissistic as Youko, but he was certainly self-effacing as Shuuichi. Wrong! Again, I'm surprised that didn't cross your mind by now. Why do you think he had romantic feelings for that Maya? (Don't deny it. It may pain you to admit it, but the fact of the matter is, he did.)

Because he just loved the attention she showered upon him, day by disgustingly romantic day. Yuck. Every time she was with her friends and he passed by, she would always, always let him in the loop. "Minamino-_kun_!" she would cry. She so wanted him. And remember, he loves getting chased. Getting hurt.

And hurt, he was.

He himself made her forget about their crap together. He sprinkled the Pollen of Forgetfulness on her. (See how despicable the klepto is? He stole that from _me_! Good thing it brought him pain and suffering.) So that she would forget. About her encounter with Hedoki and Yatsude. About having seen Hiei. And about him.

Speaking of Hiei… YAY!

And since you've been wondering… NO, I do not feel "that way" about Hiei. (Don't expect me to fawn over him.) The reason why I sound so enthusiastic when talking about him is because his memory is one of my best masterpieces yet. It's eidetic, you know—he recalls his day of banishment from the _koorime_ (ice maidens) just as vividly as he remembers the taste of his last opponent's blood on his sword. And by the way, that blood-tasting session was just a few seconds ago.

Sigh. I just love anyone with total recall. Makes my job a whole lot easier.

Anywho… Do you know _why_ Kurama is in such good terms with Hiei, then?

Come on, think about it…

Think harder…

Harder…

Haaarrrderrr…

There!

Absolutely right!

Because Hiei _needs _him!

He first met Hiei when the three-eyed _youkai_ suddenly attacked him while he and Maya were walking home one night. (_Heh_. He was keeping her out _that_ late, that naughty boy!) To Shuuichi, Hiei was just another random demon popping up to take the city away from him. Turned out Hiei was after Yatsude and his henchmen, whom Kurama was not one of. (He needed and wanted nothing from Yatsude. Why would he collaborate with the glutton, then?) Hiei thought Yatsude had eaten—or at least captured—his twin sister Yukina, you see.

So yeah, Kurama injured Hiei. But because Hiei had simply mistaken him as a trooper of Yatsude's camp, your beloved then saw Hiei as someone who needed his healing abilities _and_ his help in defeating Yatsude.

Even one year later, Hiei still needed him, you know. This time, Hiei needed his trickster thief tactics. At the same time, Shiori needed a miracle to survive her terminal illness.

How your Kurama was oh, so needed in his fifteenth year as a human. He indulged in being needed so much, he couldn't take it! He needed to share his situation with someone! Anyone!

Enter Urameshi Yusuke.

(Who has the memory of a brick wall, by the way. Please. Whenever I dredge up his memories, I get a migraine. He head-butts too often for me to take! He is just damned lucky that my _aneki_ Mirai—need I remind you? Destiny!—finds him real cute and helps him win his fights!)

Back to Kurama—whom my sister likes too, apparently, 'cause she keeps on letting him _live_!

The _Ankokukyo _(really the Dark Looking-Glass, but you may know it better as the Forlorn Hope) could've killed him. But nooo. The man in the mirror just _had_ to be in a good mood that time.

I'm telling you, Kurama had been asking for death since he started to live.

There's that incident with the murderous mirror, all right. Then betraying Hiei for Yusuke. (You heard me. He's a _traitor_.) Hiei impaled him for that, you know. If he wasn't the demon-human discombobulation he is, he would have died by Hiei's sword. Then there's the fight with Genbu. Very sloppily done. (And you saw that your supposedly sweet beloved is perfectly capable of humiliating someone, big time. He sure made a dickhead of Genbu!)

And then there's the Dark Tournament. That freaking Roto hit 'im in the balls! (Oh, not literally. I meant he hit Kurama where it hurt: threatening him with Shiori's life.) Roto _knew _of Kurama's need to be needed, his want to be wanted. Shiori satisfied both of these. She needed him to protect her; she wanted him to live because, well, he's her son. Yeah, sure he is. NOT!

Kurama may have planted an entire garden on Roto's pitiful grave, but after that was when your precious redhead started going _down_.

Because of his new "purpose in life," your masochistic Kurama was now easy prey for blackmail, too. And he was so guilty about it, he considered himself a burden to his team.

He was a definite victim of blackmail. That much, you know. But what you _don't _know is he also feared being the _hostage_ in the blackmail. That Yusuke, Kuwabara, Hiei, Genkai, Koenma, and the rest would someday become victims of blackmail themselves because of him. Believe me—that crossed his mind so many times, I rolled my eyes. He's so full of himself!

And damn, he just kept on getting worse and worse. He felt so bad for being blackmailed, he took one—and two—and three—for the team.

The fruitcake offered himself to be the "tester," the guinea pig, to be pitted against Gama, Touya, and Bakken. Gee, thank you, Kurama. Because of your stupid sense of so-called "self-sacrifice," Yusuke got the heads-up that Bakken was a stinky, sweat-squirting shitbag. Real useful info there, man. The _Toushin _(yeah, War God that Yusuke is) wouldn't have been able to figure that out for himself in a million years.

And My Masterpiece Hiei was right—Kurama really _does_ have a bad habit of stalling. So much so that all semblance of strategy goes up in smoke.

Kurama is definitely not the razor-sharp-witted tactician you believe him to be. The pathetic Uraurashima tricked and (literally) threaded him good!

You could tell me his _kitsune _self came to save the day that time. Need I remind you that he—drumroll, please!—_didn't_? It was Shishiwakamaru who gouged the living daylights out of his cheating runt of a teammate!

And Kurama's demon fox side didn't even do him any good during his fight with Karasu, either. That bad habit of his—stalling, remember?—bought him enough time to, well, turn back into weak old Shuuichi. What a joke. And even when he won, he lost.

And he _is _to blame for that loss, ladies! He had stabbed that son of a crow dead while he was still down and out! Whaddya mean he couldn't even get up anymore? That's not true! He was able to pose _kneeling _for that finishing blow! Kneeling meant he had to get up!

Come on, remember it with me… The announcers Koto and Juri would stop their countdowns whenever they would see the fallen contestant making a conscious effort to not kiss the concrete anymore, right? So the slowpoke could've just sent his blood-sucking plant flying to that dead man's chest _without_ getting up to the point of_ kneeling_! He should've just propped himself up in as time-saving a manner as he could, wasted Karasu a mere zero point twenty-eight seconds earlier than he did, and won!

That smart-ass ain't smart. Really just an ass.

You _still _believe his IQ's all that and a bag of chips? Because he beat his bookish classmate Kaitou Yuu at his own game? Oh, I see… And with what ultimate ingenious finishing move did he accomplish this? By hanging himself upside down and making a funny face? Yeah, that _is_ a real stumper. That's exactly what a monkey would do, too.

But you still think his hometown's not missing its village idiot? Because he defeated boy genius Amanuma Tsukihito? Oh, he did that cruelly, if you ask me. Are you absolutely sure he took the child's life _against_ his own will? If I remember perfectly—and that's kinda my thing—the manipulative murderer had even said this to the poor shaken Game Master, word for word: "You knew what Sensui's going to do. You can't say you weren't responsible for your fate." He had justified his act as a "fate" that Amanuma deserved. It _was_ of his own will.

Kurama is _cold_!

Even the ways he settled the score with Makihara Sadao—Gourmet—and Toguro _Ani_ (the Elder, I mean) were just heartless. Instant decapitation? Eternal suffering? Brrr!

Any way I remember Kurama, he makes for a truly fearsome villain. He kills you mercilessly. If he doesn't, he lets you live, but suffer all your life. No shit.

He's a compulsive liar, too.

Yomi wasn't the only one he's lied to. For all his human life, Shiori never knew of his secret identity. Even when she got herself a new husband and stepson, she still didn't know. Her liar of a "son" even sent her on a diversion—in the guise of a honeymoon for her and his new "stepfather"—just so he could buy time to mess with Yomi's mind once again. He lies to her through his teeth. On the telephone. In person. Every bleeping time, every freaking where.

And he claims to _love_ her… when he wouldn't even let her know the first damn thing about him!

That ain't love, if you ask me. It's being the king of control freaks.

If something doesn't go according to his grand master plan—he _is _a thief, after all—he's got backup plans. Trump cards. Aces up his sleeve. But as we all know, first could always come to worst. Like something bad happening to his mother, his new stepfamily, and his so-called "friends." (That's precisely why he's such a convenient victim of blackmail, you know.) He doesn't like it when he ain't in control of a situation—like his honeymooning parents' plane possibly crashing as he just stood there an entire world away.

You might think he's susceptible to blackmail because his emotions get the better of him. Well, that _was_ the case when he fell for Uraurashima's cheap trick back then—cute little Pity made a fool outta him—but when faced with his family's lives on the line, he _didn't_ fear for them at all. He was too busy outwitting Yomi to fear for their lives. He wanted to gain control of the situation and fast. No time for fear.

So, tell me… Does he _really_ "love" his "loved ones"? To me, he just loves being in control of any and all situations.

You didn't look at him from that perspective, did you?

Yomi did. The old goat was some control freak himself—he wanted to rule over _all _worlds, remember?—so he and his old frenemy teamed up and became strange bedfellows again. He needed his cold, fearsome fellow freak.

But boy, getting Kurama as his new second-in-command proved to be Yomi's downfall. You know what I mean. Not only did Kurama botch the military hierarchy of Gandara; he gave Yomi a false sense of security, only to eventually betray the old goat for Yusuke. Sly fox.

I could feel Shachi's jealous resentment of him. I understood it. Shachi had been Yomi's right-hand man for over half a century, then this pink-assed punk came and shamed him before all? I would sic the devious dirtbag with my trident, too! (If I had one.)

Remember the inhuman way Kurama had disposed of Toguro _Ani_? He threatened to torture Shachi's accomplice Kara—that withered twig-like gunk that oozed out of its host's ear—for all eternity, too. Kurama was oh, so willing to do it again.

Heck, he even admitted to the parasitic Kara that sometimes, he just didn't care what will happen to its hostage anymore. That was his stepbrother Shuuichi he was willing to sacrifice right then and there, you know! Even if they ain't actually blood related, it still ain't right!

It also wasn't right for him to use Chuu, Jin, Rinku, Touya, Shishiwakamaru, and Suzuki as puppets at his disposal! He used their personal desires—one: to become stronger fighters, and two: to spar against Yusuke—to his advantage! And for what? To present them to Yomi as decoy militiamen. You heard me: decoy. A manipulator and a traitor, he sure is.

And what eventually became of these six pawns in your Kurama's living chess game? Genkai trained the shit outta them, yet they _didn't _get strong enough to whoop some major ass come tourney time! And you guessed it—none of 'em got to face-off with Yusuke, either! That should teach 'em not to trust Kurama any more than they already did!

As for the manipulative traitor himself, his own fights in the _Makai _Tournament were neither memorable nor worth mentioning. The only one I'd bother to bring up is the one with Shigure. But he didn't actually defeat the surgeon—Shigure committed suicide. Let's face it. That's the cold, hard truth.

Remember those giant, enormous, ginormous floating trees they used for the tournament? Those _okanenju _(hill trees) were planted for the very purpose they served: as battleground. Do you know the name of the total war-freak who sowed those seeds centuries ago, just so he could conveniently summon them and use them against his challengers? Of course you know. Who else could it be?

And in the end… His stepfather Hatanaka Kazuyu must've noticed that the boy keeps giving his poor, naïve, unassuming mother the slip, so Kurama _had _to work in Hatanaka's company. Must have been to keep an eye on 'im. So he can't get away any more than he already has.

Oh, but he's gotten away with _sooo_ many damn things, hasn't he?

Whaddya mean, what am I talking about? He's still getting away with something _right now_! He's employed in a corporate position that requires a college education, which we all know he chose not to pursue! What's worse is, not only did he not _finish _college—he never even _started _in the first place! Even Kuwabara's educational credentials are better than his now!

Kurama really ain't admirable, I tell you!

Why was he even a good guy in your eyes to begin with? He became a _Reikai Tantei _(its translation should be obvious: Spirit Detective) along with Yusuke, Kuwabara, and Hiei as his sentence for stealing the Forlorn Hope, you know! In other words, he would have had _nothing _to do with his demon-dueling duties if he hadn't been up to his rotten old ways!

You like how strong and tough he is? Really now… Last I heard, he became human to recuperate from fatal damage. Had he really been strong and tough, he wouldn't have been affected that critically. None of his fights would have been so damned bloody, either.

But you can't help wanting to tend to his wounds every time his icky blood splatters all over him? He's a freaking masochist, remember? _He_ treats _himself_ like dirt in the first place—all the easier for his opponents to do the exact same thing! I'm telling you, ladies, he _wants _to bathe in his own blood. Bloodied in battle equals underestimated underdog, after all. He loves come-from-behind victories, so to "come from behind" in the first place, he makes you believe he's trapped between the devil and the deep blue sea. Well, if the mission really _is_ impossible, then… Oh, whatever. Sign 'im up for the next Bond movie or something. I don't care.

Come on, girls—he's no war hero. He's simply a bleeder. So give him a Band-Aid and get over it. Let the fox lick his own wounds. He really does that anyway.

What now? You like his trusty weapon, the Rose Whip? It's beautifully deadly, you say? Romantic, even? Pffft. It's more of an inconvenience to him, I think. Look at it this way. It doesn't actually smash "indestructible" foes—like the rock-solid Genbu—and weapons—like that cross between a hula-hoop and a boomerang the late Shigure played around with.

And no matter how wildly the ridiculous redhead whips, the damn thing still doesn't take care of _all_ the members of a mob attacking the _Tantei_, anyway! There are always baddies left for the others to take out. And have you forgotten that both Sensui Shinobu and Yakumo—ruler of _Meikai_ (the Netherworld this time)—have used Kurama's whip on Hiei? (_Hn_. That gives me an idea for a spicy _yaoi_ comic I might someday draw…)

—coughs—

—clears throat—

Plus there's the thing about that whip being so long that its wielder can't wield it amidst an innocent human crowd, thereby causing a certain easily blackmailed someone to be blackmailed all right. He always has to hold back on his whipping. If he didn't, he might hack up even a Yusuke, Kuwabara, or Hiei fighting close by him.

Oh, come ON! You _still _like something about him? What, his hair? But that's his weakness! He's like Samson, you know—shave him bald and his power goes poof. Without his hair, he wouldn't have any unexpected place in his person to serve as his arsenal! What, you think he'd _really _stash all his seeds and roses into his pants pockets? Or he'd wear especially "accommodative" clothes? Let's just see him caught in that scenario. (I'll bring the electric razor, too.)

Speaking of hair being his weakness… I'm surprised none of his enemies had ever thought of yanking him by his hair. He's so easy to seize that way.

And don't tell me you're fascinated by his fashion sense. What, you like the buttoned-down, fully-clothed-from-neck-to-ankle look? You think nothing's ridiculous with that one-suspender style he tries to pull off sometimes? You don't care that his dress shirts and polo shirts look like they're straight from China even if he ain't Chinese? You don't mind that he wears pink even more than you do?

What now? What about his way with women? Did he make Kitajima happy? I don't think so! Besides, the way he got around—late nights with Maya, getting all witty with Botan, Kuwabara Shizuru in his arms, even how he ran around with Yukimura Keiko while Yusuke was off chasing child-driven cars… heck, even his so-called "respectful" way of speaking with Genkai! Some philanderer he is! And need I tell you of his experience with _men_? Karasu seduced him to no end! Two girls from Kuwabara's class mistook him to be the dude's girlfriend! Gouki called him "princess"! Genbu refused a date with him! Yusuke ordered him to take his clothes off! And don't even get me started about him and _Hiei…_!

_Che_. Everything about him drives me off my rocker. That two-faced liar! Swindler! Fetus merger! Child murderer! Masochist! Egomaniac! Manipulative control freak! Traitor! Bored with life! Flirts with Danger and death!

I sure pity you foolish vixens smitten to such a horrid beast!

He will never meet the right one for him. You have to need him and want him. You will also have to face his demons—literally. And how many are _those_?

And how will you be able to stand being in a romantic relationship with someone who wouldn't even trust you with his past? Or worse, his multiple identities? Remember, ladies, if he'll lie to you about the littlest things, he'll lie to you about even bigger things! Need I remind you? He lies to his own mother! He will never trust you—so never trust him, either!

And mind you: you should never bore him, or else he will see no more need or want for you and therefore dispose of you!

If he ever betrays you… I told you so. Come _on_. You can never be too sure where his loyalties truly lie. He changes sides for his own convenience as often as he closes his eyes and grins oh, so evilly in thought!

He will also gaze at you with those eyes, which could have belonged to some adorable girl you will never, ever get to know.

And no matter what you do, you will never get to see him fully unclothed. He always has _something _in the way! His uniform… his dress shirts… his suspenders… bandages on his torso… his arms crossed before his chest… shadows from too-strategically-located sources of light…

I see him through the eyes of other people who remember him, and no one has seen him with nothing on. (And if you were me, you'd realize Shiori's memories of his bare baby body do _not _count.) I also see him through his own eyes, but he rarely looks down there long enough for him to give me a nice, juicy view of his—N-N-NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW!

—knocks on forehead—

Come on, Kiyoku! STOP OBSESSING OVER KURAMA!


End file.
